Dealing with squabbles in the kids...

Two lovely readers sent in this idea and while it is not about food, it is definitely about family and that is something I always like to talk about! While I am far from the perfect mother, there are a few things that I have learned or been taught (by older and wiser mothers as well as the children) and I would like to share them with you. To make this post as useful as possible, I will set up some specific types of situations and tell you how we handle them. Today will deal with older children and tomorrow I will tackle toddlers, specifically.

When children fight over toys...

This happens a lot here and in my friend's families so I am guessing that it happens at your house, too. In our house we have an understanding, if you fight over a toy, it becomes my toy. End of story. You can scream, you can whine, you can throw yourself on the floor and kick your feet. I don't care and you will not get my goat. I will be calm and rational when I take it and put it away. It's my toy now and you will definitely not see it again until all interested parties make up and decide how to handle it. And it must be unanimous. If you can't figure it out, it falls into the next category.

When things (like toys) become more important than other people (like friends and family)...

I never tolerate this. I always politely and calmly ask the kids, "People are more important than things. If you make things more important, what will I do?" And they know and answer, "You will take the things away." And when I say away, I mean forever. I have had to throw away two toys in the last nineteen years and all the kids know all the details about the toy and the event. The first time it was the two oldest boys fighting over a blue M&M radio with headphones. One boy whipped the other with the headphone cord and it was like a revelation. I asked them this question, answered it for them, and promptly smashed it and threw it in the outside garbage. It was never seen again...but it was never forgotten. It was seven years before I had to throw away anything else (this time it was stuffed Valentine bear) and it was girls who fought over. Do it once, don't feel bad, and save yourself far more grief than you experience with guilt. As soon as I say this, the immediately end the argument. Again, don't scream and don't escalate, they will only try to top you. The kids have to know that this is a logical and rational consequence.

When kids whine, cry or debate when asked to do work...

I always stop the kids and ask, "Are you yelling/whining/or complaining at me? I can't understand what you want to tell me. When you can calm down and speak to me, I am always ready to listen." I repeat their chore and ask if they have something that they need to tell me and remind them that they have to use "talking words". I will walk them to their chore and calmly help them start, but only when they are very small, around three or four. After that, I will tell them that I expect it to be done. I do not beg, bribe, scream or plead. They know that they will do it or there will be consequences. You can ask my kids about the kind of consequences. The door slamming girl lost her bedroom door (temporarily replaced with a pressure rod and shower curtain) and boys have done push-ups until they drop. And they still have to do the chore. Again, no screaming, just a consequence. And the older kids have enforced the rule on the younger kids by telling them about their consequences. The work is long since done.

When kids hurt each other...

When the children are little, they have to become a "Genie" for a set amount of time, like a half hour or so. You have to do your sibling's chores or other things for them. In older children we always make the kids apologize, accept responsibility and additionally have to ask the sibling how they can make it up. Then I make sure it happens. When older kids are unfair or short-tempered with younger children, it is sometimes things like cuddling, reading, doing hair and it means a lot to the child who was mistreated. It makes them feel valued and that is what is really injured in the process.

When boys fight with each other...

Boys have excessive energy and frustration that needs an outlet. When they fight and you break it up, you need to have something to direct their anger on. We have them shovel, rake leaves, do push-ups, sweep walks or anything that will allow them to get out that anger before we deal with it. If someone is hurt, we call it a "paint-able" offense. This means that I paint the pinkie finger nail the palest, almost totally unnoticeable pink for a week. It is a fate worse than death for a tween or teen. If they take it off, I paint two. We never speak of it again but they cannot even wash their hands without thinking about the consequence of their actions. I have five boys and can count the times we have resorted to this on just a single hand. Make sure you start when they are young and they accept the rule and you do not have to wrestle a 14 year old.

Checking good behavior...

But stopping negative behavior is only part of the battle. You need to explain expectations and reward good behavior. We always stop to tell kids what we expect before we do something. For instance, if we are going to the museum, they need to know that there is no running, yelling, squabbling or being a bad example. I always stay cheerful when we talk about it. Then, when I see the kids being good, I offer I high five or other reinforcement. Be very excessive cheerleader like about it, kids really like positive attention like that and will beam back at you. We also offer a system of "checks and balances".

We have a monthly chart where kids can give themselves a check, which means putting a check mark next to their name. They need to do what they are asked the first time and with a good attitude, or there is no check. Or, they can receive two checks for doing something above and beyond, like cleaning up a mess that was made by another child. Once, while I was changing a bed filled with vomit at three in the morning while the sicko waited next to me, my oldest daughter got up for a drink. She started a bath and came back for the child. Combing chunks of dinner out of her sister's hair in the bath at the wee hours of the morning was such a gift.

But why give the checks? At the end of the month, the kid with most checks gets a half hour to one hour (depending on age of the child) of special stay-up late time. They get popcorn and a movie with Mom and Dad. No one else is allowed to be there. If kids tie, they get different times. Sometimes there is a kid who needs extra support and we look for things to encourage. When there is behavior you want to see more of, start offering checks. "Hey, Junior, you are brushing your teeth without being asked, go give yourself a check."

There are also times when we want to really reward positive behavior. Once our oldest son got in trouble on a home school field trip. A neighbor girl who happened also to be the daughter of a friend of mine from high school was being teased, relentlessly and cruelly. He stepped in and defended her. He told the other boy to leave her alone. When this boy actually went after my son, my son stood firm. We were so proud of him for protecting this girl that my husband took him out for ice cream. The girl's father was also pleased and  the next day, took him out again for ice cream. We talked up his behavior to his siblings not only so he could experience pride in an action worthy of it but also to set an example for the other kids. Do not pass up the opportunity to tell your children that you are proud of them when you are, they need it. In the end, they will pay you back ten-fold.

What are your best parenting tips? Comment below and I will share them on the blog's Facebook page.